


Grateful

by bitx



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Can be read as platonic or romantic Minsung, Crying, Depression, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kind of a character study, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Hospital, Mental Hospital AU, Mental Hospitals, Mental Institutions, Not Canon Compliant, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, So this will be more accurate than other psych ward au's, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, The author has first-hand experience with psych wards, based on author's own experiences, psych ward au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:26:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28420119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitx/pseuds/bitx
Summary: In which Jisung is admitted to a child psychiatric unit - where he meets Minho, who changes his life forever.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han & Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	Grateful

**Author's Note:**

> This work is based heavily on my own two admissions to a child psychiatric unit. Jisung represents my first admission, while Minho represents the second. Other characters are loosely based on people I met in there, but any identifying information has been left out. I wrote this because I feel like accurate depictions of psych units are desperately needed in all forms of media, but particularly in fanfiction. Most of the time when I find them as settings they're shown inaccurately, and they're often depicted in a light that's (sometimes unintentionally) offensive. People who live with mental illness(es) aren't evil monsters, nor a tragic story, nor something to be gawked at. We're people too. We just perceive life through a different set of lenses than others do. It's not something to be glorified, nor something to be demonized. Instead, it should be looked at as something that's just a part in some people's lives. I hope everyone keeps this in mind while reading, and if you're struggling, please consider asking for help. It's daunting, but oh-so worth it.

As Dr. Jeong walked away, Jisung began to wonder if he had just made the biggest mistake of his life. He’d walked into his counsellors office that morning convinced of his decision to tell her everything. As more and more time passed since he had acted upon that decision however, he had grown to regret it immensely. Now, 13 hours later, he was sitting on a rubbery emergency room bed, waiting to be admitted to the child psychiatric unit three floors above. Sighing, he slipped off the bed and began to walk back to the room where his mom was sitting. There was nothing he could do about it now. 

“What did the psychiatrist say?” his mom asked anxiously, not a second after he entered the room through the flimsy curtain hung in the doorway. 

“I’m getting admitted. He said a porter would be here to take me upstairs soon,” Jisung responded, knowing that wasn’t the news his mom wanted to hear. 

“Oh, sweetie!” his mom cried, getting out of her chair and running towards Jisung, enveloping him in a hug. He accepted her embrace, and they stood there until Jisung pulled away, his anxiety suddenly increasing tenfold. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Oh my god, Sungie, there’s nothing to be sorry about! What’s done is done. Just try to get out of there quickly.” his mom reassured, obviously intending for her words to be comforting. Unfortunately, they had missed their mark drastically. They just made Jisung feel worse. There was no way he could control when he would get out. For all he knew, he could spend the next three months there, doing whatever kids did in a psych unit. He had already felt bad for forcing his mother out of her workplace so she could sit in the emergency room with him, but now it almost felt like she was trying to amplify that guilt. 

Just as Jisung started to get lost in thought, the curtain separating their room from the hub of the ER was whisked back partially, revealing a short, round woman. “Hi. I’m the porter that’ll be taking you up to the unit,” she introduced herself. She stepped into the room, turning towards Jisung. “Do you have everything? Nothing prohibited on you?”

“I’m good, just let me say bye to my mom first,” Jisung replied, trying to hide the tremor in his voice. He could feel his knees growing weak. He shakily walked over to where his mom was standing, and this time he initiated the hug. “Will you and dad come and visit me?”

“Um, see, Sungie, I was meaning to talk to you about that, but I didn’t want to tell you until it was confirmed you were being admitted. Me and your dad called earlier, and we’re not sure we can make it work - I mean, between our jobs and taking care of your siblings, we’re swamped as it is. We’ll try, but the 2 hour drive might just be too much. I’m sorry,” she finished, seeing the crestfallen look on Jisung’s face. 

Blinking back tears, Jisung just nodded, not trusting his voice to allow him to speak without it cracking. He squeezed his mom tighter for a moment, and then turned to the porter, who was now looking at him with a small amount of pity in her eyes. He took a deep breath, and then spoke quietly. “I’m ready. Bye, Mom. Tell Dad and my sibling’s I miss them and I love them.”

“Of course,” she responded. “We’ll try our hardest to come visit you. You can do this. Bye Sungie, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Jisung inhaled another long, slow breath. “If that’s all, I’ll be taking Jisung upstairs now,” the porter said, her voice somewhere between professional and gentle. This time, it was his mom’s turn to nod. As the porter began to walk away, Jisung’s legs felt more and more gelatinous. Realizing he should follow her, he glanced back at his mom one more time, who nodded tearfully - but encouragingly, and then set off after the porter. His breathing quickened as he caught up to her, the reality of the situation hitting him full-force. He’d thought he’d actualized what was happening when his mom had shown up at his school to drive him to the ER, and then again when the crisis team had talked to him, and yet again when he had spoken to Dr. Jeong. But now, it had finally truly sunk in. He was about to be admitted to a child psychiatric unit for wanting to kill himself. 

As they approached the elevator, an idea came to Jisung. He didn’t technically have to be admitted, there was still one other option - he could run. Run away from the porter, out of the emergency room, not stop until he reached his home. But, as soon as the thought occurred to him, he realized just how foolish that would be. Someone would catch him, and then he’d just be sent back to the unit, where he’d likely be kept for longer than he was about to be. Plus, surely someone had tried that before, so the porter had to be at least slightly prepared for it. Not to mention his home was a two hour car ride away, which was way too far of a distance to run. No, he’d be admitted peacefully, and start off his time in the psych unit on the right foot.

The elevator opened, and he and the porter stepped inside. She pressed the button for the third floor, and then clasped her hands behind her back. “Nervous?” she asked, obviously trying to make small talk.

“Yeah,” Jisung responded shakely, hoping it was just a generic question and that his anxiety wasn't showing too much. Truthfully, he was beyond nervous. His stomach no longer felt like it contained butterflies, but instead like it contained something more akin to wasps, his breath was frequent and shallow despite him trying to steady it, and worst of all, he was afraid his legs might give out on him at any second, as their shaking had grown exponentially. 

“Yeah, I figured. Most kids are. It’ll be okay though. You’ll go in there, get help, and come out better for it, I know it.”

“Yeah, I hope so,” Jisung replied, wringing his hands together in front of his chest. The elevator door opened, and the porter stepped out first and started walking down a long hallway that was covered with identical doors. Jisung followed after her. They walked in a silence that Jisung would’ve likely found awkward if he hadn’t been so preoccupied by what was about to happen to him. Just then, the porter apparently reached the door she was heading towards, as she stopped in front of it, and pressed down a button before speaking. “Hey, it’s Areum. I have your new admission.” After a slight pause, the bulb above the button glowed, and the porter reached towards the door handle.

As she swung the door open, Jisung’s rapid breathing crescendoed even further. He was afraid he’d pass out, or, even worse, spiral into a panic attack. Fighting to stay in control of his breath, he took a step into his new short-term home, leaving the porter outside as she closed the door on him. The unit was painted a blood-orange with no visible windows. A large desk with at least four people behind it covered with piles of paper and files was against the wall opposite Jisung. A realistic mural of a sunny, clear sky decorated the ceiling. In between the desk and him were several smaller desks, all with large, colourful, comfortable looking armchairs behind them. One wall was occupied by kitchen and laundry room appliances, and there was a large part of the L-shaped room filled with games and toys. Off of this main room were several doors, all of which were closed. 

A lady came out from behind the large desk and greeted him gently. “Hi, you must be Jisung. I’m Chohee, and I’m one of the nurses here. I’ll get you all settled in tonight. Why don’t you come over here, and we’ll get started,” she said, gesturing towards a bench beside the desk.

Unsure of what to say, Jisung just nodded. As he walked towards the bench, his heart rate somehow managed to quicken even more. Sitting down, he began to bounce his leg, confused as to what to expect next. Chohee came and sat down across from him in one of the numerous padded armchairs, carrying a clipboard. “So,” she started off, “Your name is Han Jisung, right? Just want to make sure we have the right person here.”

“Yeah,” Jisung whispered.

“We’re off to a good start, then! I have a few questions you need to answer, then I’ll take your blood pressure, draw some blood, give you a urine test, take your height and weight, have you change your clothes, and then you can go straight to sleep, okay? Now, please answer these questions as honestly as possible. We’ll start with an easy one - Jisung, what brought you in here?”

“I, um, told my school counsellor I was going to-” Jisung took a deep breath, “-kill myself.” 

Chohee nodded understandingly, and then wrote something down on her clipboard. She continued on with her questions. “And what, may I ask, was your plan for doing so?”

“Uh, I wanted to go downtown and jump off a bridge after taking as many pills as I could find.” At this point, Jisung’s shaky voice was barely a whisper, filled with uncomfortableness and fear.

Nodding again, Chohee scribbled something down again. “Do you have a history of self-harming or physically harming others?”

“Only cutting and bruising myself. I’d never hurt anyone else.” 

“How about a history of disordered eating?”

“No.”

“Have you ever had any issues with drugs or alcohol, including weed?”

“No.” 

“Have you ever seen or heard anything no one else could see or hear?”

“No.”

“And, finally, do you have a family history of mental illness?”

“Not that I’m aware of.”

“Great, thank you. Now, if you could just raise your arm for me, we’ll get a blood pressure test started,” the nurse said, standing up to go bring over a tall, skinny machine on wheels from behind the desk. Raising his arm to shoulder level, Jisung stared down at the floor. As Chohee attached the cuff to his arm, he wondered how his family was feeling right now. Did they miss him? Were they glad he was gone? Did they even notice the difference? The cuff began to squeeze, and Jisung tried to make himself relax, forcing his lungs to try their hardest to breathe deep, even breaths. Slowly, the cuff started to loosen, and when it was done, Chohee removed it and recorded the number the machine presented to her on her clipboard. Taking that machine back to where it came from, she returned with a needle, a rubber tourniquet, and a clear tube. 

“I’m just going to draw some blood, okay Jisung?” she explained. Jisung nodded, and looked away as he felt the tourniquet being tied around his arm. A prick was felt in his inner elbow, and he waited until the feeling disappeared before looking back towards Chohee, who was placing the tube of blood on the desk. “Only a few more things to do, and then you can sleep. Could you please provide a urine sample? Just go in the bathroom over there, pee in this cup, close the lid tightly, and then give it to me.”

When Jisung returned with his cup he placed it on the large desk, face flushed red. Chohee however, acted like it was no big deal, and put it next to his blood sample and the clipboard. 

“Now, come stand over by our height chart so I can measure you. Then I’m going to take your weight,” Chohee said, gesturing towards a childish chart with a giraffe on it as she picked up the clipboard again. Jisung obliged her request silently, and stood with his back against the giraffe. Something about the giraffe bothered him, like it was there purposefully to try to make an unwelcoming place more friendly. The nurse peered at the top of Jisung’s head for a moment, and then wrote something down on her clipboard. Pointing to an electronic scale, she motioned for him to get on. He stepped on to the scale, and again Chohee recorded what she saw. 

“Last thing to do is to get you changed. Just give me a second to gather you some clothes and a gown, and then we’ll get right to it,” Chohee said as she walked off towards one of the doors. Unsure of what to do, Jisung stood around awkwardly, waiting for her return. So far, the unit seemed to be a strange amalgamation of a childish, bright aesthetic that had been forced on to a medical context. It was a little unnerving to him, like the two sides were competing for space in his brain. 

Chohee returned, carrying a pile of fabric in her arms. Gesturing for Jisung to follow her, she walked towards another door. He followed her, and as he entered through the door, he realized he was in a dark bedroom. However, he didn’t have time to look around as he followed the nurse into the bathroom inside of the bedroom. She closed the door behind him, and then began to speak. “This will be your bedroom when we’re done. You’ll have a roommate. His name is Minho. You’ll meet him when you wake up tomorrow morning. Now, let me explain the procedure for getting changed. I’ll hold up a robe in front of you for privacy. I need you to take off all of your clothes, including your socks and underwear, and then kick them underneath the robe towards me. Then, slip your arms into the robe so you can wear it while I check your clothes for anything prohibited. I’ll give you back your socks and underwear, and then I’ll leave the room so you can put on the unit clothes I’ve brought over for you. Your old clothes will go in a bin behind the nurses desk until you’re discharged. Any questions?”

Jisung shook his head. “Great,” Chohee continued, placing the bundle of cloth she had been carrying onto the ground beside him. From it, she took a thin white robe, and, after unfolding it, held it up in front of Jisung like a curtain. After a second-long pause, Jisung began to strip. As he took each piece of clothing off, he dropped it on to the ground, then kicked it across to Chohee’s side of the makeshift curtain. Once he was fully undressed, he slipped his arms into the armholes of the gown, and used his hand to hold the back shut as Chohee began to search through his clothes. Once she had deemed that there was nothing of interest concealed inside of them, she left his socks and underwear on the floor, grabbed up the rest of his clothes, and then made to leave the room. She paused in the threshold of the doorway to tell Jisung to bring out the gown when he was done, and then closed the door. 

The second the door closed, Jisung sighed, relieved the nurse was gone. He needed a bit of alone time, regardless of how brief, just to catch his breath and process everything that had just happened. He hadn’t been truly alone since this morning, on his walk to school. Ever since then, he had been surrounded by classmates and teachers, then ER staff and his mom, and then the porter and nurses. It felt good to be alone, but not for long. Though he no longer felt weak with anxiety, a new feeling that Jisung couldn’t quite place had filled his body, making his heart heavy and legs numb. 

Trying to ignore the uncomfortable sensations, he turned to the clothes Chohee had left on the floor. After putting on his underwear, he picked them up and checked them out. The nurse had brought him a black t-shirt, blue sweatshirt, and black sweatpants, all of which said “Youth And Adolescent Psychiatric Unit” somewhere on each article of clothing. The absurdity of it all made Jisung crack a smile, until a thought hit him. He was in it for the long run now. They’d gotten him admitted. Now he was officially a patient of a psychiatric unit, and he didn’t know when he’d be discharged. Fuck.

After pausing at this revelation, then getting dressed, he opened the bathroom and bedroom doors and brought the robe out to Chohee. He tried his hardest not to let his recent thoughts show on his face, not in the mood for any more questions tonight. “Is there anything I can get for you?” the nurse asked upon the return of the robe. “A warm blanket? Some water? A snack, perhaps?” Jisung shook his head at these offers. “Just let any of the nurses know if you need anything, okay? Every hour we check all the patient bedrooms, so either let us know then, or feel free to come out here and ask. Have a good sleep!” At this, Jisung nodded to indicate that he had understood, and then walked back to his room. 

The second Jisung was in his bedroom, he began to investigate it. Though it was dark, looking around he saw two thin beds, one of which was occupied by a boy that had to have been Minho. Next to each bed was a small wardrobe and a nightstand. The wall across from the door had a large window with open blinds that let in the moonlight, creating the only source of dim light in the room. Finding this an odd choice for so late at night, Jisung walked towards them, only to find a layer of glasses separating him from the blinds. The second he realized the glass was there the open blinds made perfect sense, because of course they weren’t going to leave suicidal kids alone with accessible blinds. 

It made him giggle, just how ridiculous that thought was. He was there, standing in a psychiatric unit, unable to close the blinds because someone had deemed them too dangerous for him. Last month, hell, even last week, that thought would’ve been unimaginable to him. This realization made Jisung giggle even more, and soon he was struggling to muffle his hysterics. It was all so strange, so fake feeling. This couldn’t be right. It felt everything but right. Ripping his hands harshly through his hair as he struggled to quiet his deranged laughter, he realized that, against everything his mind was telling him, it was right, it was real. Slowly, this caused his barely contained laughter to begin to die down and then eventually stop, as the actions of his long day caught up with him. His outburst of laughter had drained him of energy he didn’t have to spare. There was nothing to keep him occupied now, no worried mom or buzzing emergency room. There was just silence, darkness and silence. He felt tired, eyes and limbs heavy with sleep. As he got into his stiff, rubbery bed, he briefly wondered what his family was doing, but almost immediately sleep claimed him, and he fell into a deep, dreamless slumber.

**Author's Note:**

> I've decided at the end of each chapter to state what elements of the above chapter aren't accurate to my experiences with psych units. That way, I can deliver an interesting story while still maintaining authenticity (truthfully, psych units aren't dramatic, intense places. They're mostly boring and monotonous). Also, keep in mind that even though this story is set in Korea, I have no experience with Korean psych units. Please also note I will only be applying my authenticity notes to the setting, not to any of the characters, so mine and other's anonymity and privacy can be upheld. With that being said -
> 
> 1\. Jisung's 13 hour wait in the ER isn't impossible, however I do think it should be said that ER waits can be anywhere between 3-45 hours from what I've seen. I'm sure people have done longer, and I'm sure people have done shorter. It all just relies on bed availability - if there's no bed empty in the unit, there's no admission.
> 
> 2\. The unit Jisung visits is for short term care, so a three month admission like he frets about would be next to impossible. The record for longest admission at the unit I went to was 2.5 months, which was due to very special circumstances. 
> 
> 3\. When I was admitted, I was asked infinitely more questions than Jisung was. However, in interest of keeping the story moving, I just included the broadest and most common questions the nurses would ask upon admission. 
> 
> 4\. The nurses actually did check on patients hourly during the night, however they were supposed to do it every 15 minutes, which is why I'm writing this down here.


End file.
